10/7/07

There is a danger these entries will become mere theory (for which read: inherited and acquired, not discovered thoughts) as they become perfunctory, a duty and not an exercise. If you have little to say today it is not because the day was so uneventful, but because its events had, for your purposes at least, so little immediate significance. Tomorrow night you will be heading for Minsk (without, it should be noted, a transit visa), and if all goes well arriving in Moscow tomorrow morning, where you have, as yet, nowhere to stay. Again you wonder whether the various difficulties you have engineered for yourself - inaccurate passport details on ticket, less than respectable visa - were made deliberately (unconsciously) or purely by chance. If deliberately, the imminent work should prove more than compensatory. Your real concern is, in fact - in so far as you 'have' one - what you are to do next year; or rather, how you are to decide. To imagine that the coming two weeks will decide it is naive. It will come down to questions of self-confidence and determination. Last night you dreamt of Nell and she advised you to go to university; at the time this advice seemed compelling, but now, who knows? If you were to take the decision to stay you would of course be on your own, working without any kind of critical support or advice - or so you think. Nor is there, of course, any guarantee that what you might find would be interesting or useful - it might be profoundly dull. This raises again the question of openness or commitment to your subject (which is...?) without which no writing is possible.