2/7/07

The events of last night happened because of your own passivity; had you left when you wanted to (and when you should have) you would have avoided an unpleasant encounter, giving assurances you have no intention of keeping (and therefore made yourself 'complicit' with those you have lied to, since their 'real' aim, or so you like to imagine, is to involve you in their untruth), and, finally, drinking too much so that the next morning was wasted (it is now 12.21pm). It also revealed to you, as if it needed revealing, how fragile your self-confidence is, that requires only a minor event to shake it. The causes of this fragility may seem obvious enough, but they probably need some looking into nevertheless; specifically the reasons why your self-respect seems predicated upon your success in enterprises you do not consider of any vital, intrinsic value; while you stay away from, or find pretexts to postpone, undertakings that might matter to you (you seem to imagine the important projects might grow out of an agglomeration of the unimportant - why?) You have always imagined this was not simple fear of failure but something more, linked to a persistent and destructive uncertainty about what it is you really 'want' (or at least, an apparent uncertainty); but isn't at least part of it, even a substantial part, nothing more than a simple fear of failure? And if some part of it is fear of success, isn't this a fear that anticipates a success that crumbles to dust in your hands - that sees it as proving, on its realisation, not to be 'success' at all (for which read: not to be what you expected of it)? Why should this chill you so much, or, to put it another way, why should you expect so much of any successful action (as if it were going to resolve something definitively, and once and for all). Why build up success this way, so as to make any attempt at it seem vain? What do you gain from this?